Banned in Schools: The Portrait of a school board gone overboard.

Our school district has decided to no longer allow parents to bring

homemade treats into the school for birthdays and holiday parties.

And, my 8 yr old's school has decided to take that a step further

and encourage parents to bring only non-food items for birthday celebrations. 

They made this decision to focus  on the children and his or her special day...and not on the food. 

It's to focus on childhood allergies, diabetes, obesity and the overall safety of the students. 

Here are a few suggestions of acceptable non-food items:

- pencils

- notepads

- tattoos

- crayons

- books

For holiday parties at the school, only pre-packaged food items

with nutritional labels will be allowed.

Now, I'm not insensitive, I understand difficult issues facing parents and educators these days. 

But I couldn't read this handout without laughing. 

Seriously?! 

We're saying no to homemade food and yes to toys and processed food?!!

Do your children's schools have these rules?

What do you think?

I think this is taking things a bit overboard. 

As with anything, I think moderation is the rule. 

In about ten years we have a note coming home about how materialistic birthday celebrations at school have become and to just bring cupcakes instead. 

Or a back to basics campaign where they'll want only fresh food and no chemically processed.

Sheesh. 

What next?!

The Y2K Bug attacked the frigerator & either it or the dog gave my son strep throat.

I stayed up New Year's Eve playing Monopoly with my boys.

And then the refrigerator stopped working.

It started with the ice...and then the water...and then the cooling...

I thought I broke it, but it turns out it had something to do with the motherboard.

It seems like an off coincidence that it broke right at the new year.

So, I think the Y2K bug of 2010 got it.

It couldn't handle 2010.

And the first day of the new year, my older son came down with strep throat.

Only we just thought it was a sinus infection.

Boy were we wrong.

We had a doctor tell us once that dogs can give you strep throat.

That they are carriers.

So I GOOGLED it ( I google everything!)

and found out that's quite a controversial topic in the medical community.

Maybe the refrigerator gave it's Y2K 2010 bug to my son.

and now it's stalking me...

How did YOUR New Year begin?!

P.S. OMG, do NOT Google Images "Strep Throat."  It's disgusting.

and apparently some people can get it on their feet?!!

Sometimes I lie but I have good intentions

As I mentioned in the previous post, UpTake is a hosting a contest.
Anyone can enter.
The deadline's tonight at midnight.

The prize is a spa getaway in Napa Valley at Silverado Resort for four people.

I admit it, I'd sell my children and run over girl scouts for a chance to win.

See, let me tell it like it is.
People come out of the woodwork for contests.
People with sick kids, hard knock lives and woe-is-me stories.

Do you know how hard it is to compete with Sally Sob Story and Henrietta Handicapped and Tanya Toenail Cancer?

Well, I only have one arm.
And one leg.
And I have fifteen kids (all adopted, of course)...that I home school.

In my free time, I serve soup at the homeless shelter...with my one arm, while balancing on my one leg.

I have no hair, because I donated it all to make wigs for chemo patients.
And I donated all my blood to sick people.
I even had all my teeth pulled to give to toothless people.

Why wait til I'm dead to take my organs?
I have a few I don't need...
I've chopped off a few toes for charity & donated a butt cheek to a good cause.

I recycle, volunteer, teach people to read and care for old people.
I bring food to the hungry in third world countries.

No one's more deserving than me.


So, I win.
Right?

Weird scratches

In the last week, I've woken up several times with strange scratches on my chest.

I have no idea how they got there.

I figure it would be any of these things:

1. I'm having bad dreams and scratching myself.

2. The child or dog in my bed could have done it while sleeping.

3. I'm changing into a werewolf at night and unaware of it.

4. A confused vampire keeps trying to bite me.

5. I have an alien inside of me trying to break out.

Egg Heads taking on Reindeer

The Easter Bunny needs to fire whoever currently does his PR,
because Santa Claus totally has him beat out.

Easter has the potential to be as big as Christmas, honestly.


Which sounds more appealing to you,
a jolly fat man in a red suit who sneaks in your house and eats your cookies?
Or a big furry bunny that poops eggs with surprises in them around your yard?



I think part of the secret lies in the music.
Christmas has a ton of great songs ties to it.
So, we need to come up with a bunch of Easter Songs.

How about:

We Wish you a Happy Easter (to the tune of We Wish you a Merry Christmas)

Randolph the Red-Spotted Rabbit (to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)



Santa's got sidekicks too. Elves, reindeer, etc.
So, our Easter Bunny needs sidekicks.

How about Egg Heads?
Little walking/talking eggs with faces, hands and feet, all brightly colored?

And, Easter needs to ditch the pastels.
If it wants to compete with Christmas, it needs bold, jewel-tones.

And I'd love to see those Egg Heads take on the Reindeer.

Any suggestions on how Easter could compete with Christmas?

How is a uterus hazardous to small children?

Cajun Mama had a tweet over the weekend that mentioned a uterus recall.

I was baffled.
I was intrigued.

I followed her link and found this:

I'm now in love with this company called I Heart Guts.



It's brilliant!
It's hilarious!




Where else can you find t-shirts that say this?

or t-shirts that say this?

That says, "Black Lung" in case you can't read it well.




And then they have plushies.




I've got beat...


heart beat, that is.

And a timeless classic: A heart of gold.

Way too cool.
I wish they'd send me some of their products, you know, so I could review them.

I'm in love.

What organ would you like to see made into a t-shirt or plush?

Wait, maybe you shouldn't answer that...

Dog-Earred Capitalism

I'm in love with Annie's ears.
Annie, my Labrador Retriever.

If I'm feeling stressed.
I pet her.
especially her ears.

They're so soft.
Unbelievably soft.
and silky.

I want to make a blanket out of them.
But that might send PETA after me.

And I'd hate to leave a bunch of ear-less dogs running around.
They'd look like alien dogs.

I thought about clipping Annie's ears off, maybe they'll regrow like a lizard's tail...
I need to carry her ears around in my pocket, like a lucky rabbit's foot.

I mean, where did the rabbit foot tradition start?

I might as well start a new one with dog ears...
But, Annie's particular about her looks, so I don't want to take her ears.

But, I promise, they are the softest thing ever.

If anyone's interested in starting a new avaunt guard business with me...just let me know.

Dogs have the softest ears.

Clearly this kitten agrees with me.

Ghost Mermaids want to Possess Your Soul

I'd planned to write a post full of deep meaningful thoughts on the significance of birthdays and how people react different ways to theirs.
Some people soak up extra attention, others don't want to celebrate at all.
It's interesting.

But then I decided that was too heavy,
and I thought I'd share a dream I had the other night instead.

I have wild dreams.

I dreamt I was with one of my sisters,
and we were interviewing for jobs at a camp in the country for children with special needs.
And while there, I found out Misty Dawn was the head director of the camp.
(I've never met her in real life, but she's the blogger who started Camera Critters, the only regular meme I participate in.)

And on the grounds of this camp was a huge swimming pool.
Where I was warned a ghost mermaid lived.
And if you were swimming in the shade,
the mermaid would try to suck your soul and take over your body.

For reals.

And I was slightly scared, but mainly fascinated by this.
And the woman who warned me about it, decided to demonstrate.
So, she swam into the shaded part of the pool,
and I saw the shape of a mermaid swim up.
The mermaid came up behind her, slithering really,
and put her hands over the woman's ears
and kind of slurped into her body.

It was weird.

And the woman looked like she was in a trance.
But then I moved her into the sunny part of the pool and she was ok.

Really weird, I know.

So, then I decided to Google "mermaid ghosts" last night while writing this post...
and I found this horrifying photo.

I'm sure it's fake.
But it freaked me out.

And that's when I decided to call it quits on this post and go to bed.

I'll leave you with this photo instead.



I took this photo at our local trade days.

I love the cool stuff they sell at these open-air markets.

My Life is a Bad Country Song

I will announce the giveaway winner later today.

Did you see my interview with Pioneer Woman?

In high school, I used to listen to country music every now and then.
Not any country music, but really cool, rockin' country music.
Like David Allen Coe.

Listen to the first line or two of this song.
It will set the mood for the rest of this post, I promise.
(he talks for the first minute though, ignore all that)

I love how hilarious country songs can be.

Most of them are about being faithful to their bottle or an ode to alcohol, how they can rely on their horse but not on fickle women who've done them wrong.

Well, the other morning, as I was up at 4am, I was suddenly inspired to write a country song about my night. I've never written a song before, much less a country one.

Don't laugh too hard. You can't chant it or sing it softly...you have to croon it at the top of your lungs, preferably holding an empty liquor bottle. Ok, ready?

It's dedicated the chore I had to do at 4am after my child exploded every possibly bodily fluid on the walls and floor of my bathroom.


Here we go:

Take this sh*t & Shove it

When there's diarrhea on the walls,
don't bother me no more with calls

you won't believe how many Clorox wipes it took
I've had to throw away all the bathroom books,

In the middle of the night with my breasts hangin to my lap
I can't handle NO MORE CRAP.

I'm hangin' up my mop and gloves
because cleaning don't return the love

the fumes have gone to my head
I just want to go back to bed.

How much puke can one boy spew?
if you were my enemy I wouldn't wish this on you.

The smells have singed my nostril hairs,
this kind of chore just isn't fair.

I'm in bed holding on tight
to my pillow tonight
praying the sick will pass on by
or I just might have to give in and cry.

Yep, it's official.
I've lost my mind.

Anna the Mannequin goes on a Quest

So, this story began with yesterday's post,
where we met Anna & saw her fall in love with Prince Sergei.

But, alas, their love did not seem meant to be,
because Sergei was only allowed out during the Christmas season.

Anna was determined to wait for him,
because he was her first love,
and he loved her for who she was.

But as she contemplated facing the entire year without him,
she realized it was too much.
She couldn't wait that long to be with Sergei.

So she sought out the circle of wise women to help her.

Anna wanted to turn into a nutcracker princess, so she could remain with her prince.

The wise women conferred around their fire and came to a conclusion.

Anna needed to seek out the Supreme Rojo.
But, first, she had to deliver an Orb of Truth to the Icicle Pond of Clarity

And poof, a golden orb appeared in their fire.

The wise women also told Anna that she would have a Happiness Companion to guide her way.

She tucked the orb into her pocket and set off, following a map,
and soon met her Happiness guide,
a yellow lab named Bliss.

Bliss and Anna continued on their way until they ran into the Talkative Tortoise.
He wanted their golden Truth Orb, so he tried to talk them out of it.

He said, "In order to pass by me, you must answer this:

I was once a mannequin like you, but I fell in love with a tortoise, so I petitioned the Supreme Rojo to change my shape. He did, but soon after my love left me & know I'm stuck in this form.
Should I petition to be changed back?
Or should I remain the way I am?"

Anna thought about this for a while, then said, "You know what, Mr. Tortoise, it doesn't matter what form you have, its what inside that matters most. When you find someone who loves you no matter what, then that's what is most important, just like my Sergei."

The tortoise started crying and said, "I hope I find someone like your Sergei. Good luck, Anna, on your quest."

Not long after this, Anna started to hear beautiful music coming from the path ahead.

The music of angels. She couldn't help it. She had to dance. She was filled with joy and happiness.

The angels asked her to stay with them, to become one of them. To dance and make music forever.

Anna almost said yes, but she saw Bliss, her guide dog waiting paitently for her, and she remembered why she was on this quest.

"Thank you, beautiful angels, but I must decline. I'm off to find out how to stay with my Sergei forever."

The angels disappeared in a cloud of sparkles.

And in their spot was the Icicle Pond of Clarity.

She delicately placed her Golden Orb of Truth into the pond.

And wondered why she had to deliver the orb in the first place and what was the point of all of this?

And then she heard a mighty roar, and a huge dragon appeared.

Anna screamed and started to run away, but she saw Bliss wasn't moving, so she stopped.

The dragon said, "Who are you and what do you want?"

Anna replied, "I'm Anna Mannequin, and I'm searching for the Supreme Rojo so I can ask him to turn me in to a nutcracker princess so I can remain with my one true love Sergei forever."

The dragon snorted.

and turned into...

The Surpreme Rojo.

He smiled at Anna and thanked her for returning the golden orb to the Icicle Pond.

And she in turn implored him to change her into a nutcracker princess.

And his reply was...to be continued tomorrow.

Should he turn her into a Nutcracker Princess so she can remain with Prince Sergei forever?

Or should he deny her this chance at true love?

Or should he send her on a further quest to test her and make sure this is what she really wants?

A Tale of Star-Crossed Love; An exercise in creativity produced from boredom

There once was a young mannequin named Anna who was happy and content with her life.

She loved to stretch and dance.
And dance and stretch.

She never worried about her hair or clothes,
or even a face for that matter.

Anna lived in the moment.
She was one with herself.

She was happy and content with her life.

Until she caught a glimpse of Holiday Barbie 2008.
and realized what she was missing.

After that Anna couldn't bear to be seen, so she put a mask on her head.
But it didn't hide her pain.

She thought she'd never be happy again.

Until she met Sergei, a Russian Nutcracker Prince.
They fell in love.

Sergei loved Anna just the way she was.

But he had to tell her that he was only going to be around for a few weeks.
And she was devastated.

These star-crossed lovers are enjoying their time together while they can.

And Anna is patient.

She can wait til next year when Sergei comes around again.