Tuesday, April 8, 2008

No More Mr. Nice Guy

I'm feeling bitchy tonight, so I'm gonna be honest. I'm going to tell it like it is. Too often we lie because we don't want to hurt people's feelings. No, of course your new haircut looks good. No, you don't look like you've gained weight! lies, lies, lies. So, here I am, letting loose:

First, Judy, you need to see a dermatolgist. Those are NOT freckles, and they don't look good. Also, that headband is so out of fashion.

Veronica, seriously girlfriend, you need a nose job. I know this great surgeon who does amazing rhinoplasty in LA. You've got the biggest honker I've ever seen and you should NEVER have your profile photographed again.

Mabel, your butt is beyond huge. You need to run, not walk to the nearest Weight Watchers. It's saggier than a 200-year-old woman's ta-tas. Liposuction wouldn't hurt either. I'm saying this to you as your friend.

Gloria, you need a pedicure like there's no tomorrow. I'll give you the free gift certificate I got as a gift for my maid because, girlfriend, you need it way more than she does. Have you EVER used lotion? Ever? Here's a new word: Exfoliate. Look it up.

Bianca, girl, I don't even know WHAT to say to you. You need help. You might need more calcium in your diet to deal with that humpy thing...or you need to go hide in Notre Dame in Paris.

Patsy, let me give you the name of my guy. You need a new hairdo. Perms are out, bangs are out. Sleek is in.
And, finally, Trish, there's a little something all us modern women go to called a dentist. Find one. Quickly.
Well, I don't know about you, but I feel so much better. I needed to vent out my bitchiness. My friends' feelings might be hurt, but in time they'll thank me. That's what friends are for. :o)

I got the idea for this vent from VBF's blog, Motivationless and added my own little twist. :o)


Valarie Lea said...

200-year-old woman's ta-tas Ha ha!

That was to cute :P

And that last picture is precious.

Rhea said...

Valarie - Thanks! Inspiration stikes in weird ways. lol

Utter Basketcase said...

HAHAHAHAHAH well done my lady!!! Good for you for being honest and revealing their names! :-) I don't think I could be as brave with the things I have to say! :-P *GiGGLeS* xx

Jeff B said...

All I can say is...


. said...

Absolutely ROFLMAO.

Nice one. I needed that this morning. It's VERY rainy and grey here and that cheered me up no end.

Thanks Rhea.


Anonymous said...


Rhea said...

VBF! - Thanks for inspiring me! Your vent was hilarious.

Jeff - I'm so glad I could make you laugh!

Marie - I KWYM. We all need something light-hearted and cheery at times.

Kim - Thanks for the smiley face!

Jessica said...

Cracked me up! Love it!

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Crazy in Alabama said...

That was too funny!! I was having a hard time getting going this morning. Thanks for the the jump start.

Melissa said...

ha ha thanks for a good chuckle :)

Burfica said...

hahahahahahah heheheheheheheh hohohohoohohoh uh uh uh uh

Those were great!!!!

crazy4danes said...

Great post! :D Too funny!!! I needed that little laugh :)

San said...

This new honesty angle of yours could make me bust a gut.

You hang with some real characters too.


Rhea said...

Jessica - Glad I could make you laugh! And, I enjoyed your blog. :o)

Crazy in Alabama - I don't think I've ever been told I've jumpstarted someone before. That's a first! I like it.

Motherhood for dummies - I thought you said "cluckle" at first read through. lol I guess I have animals on the brain.

Burfica - That was quite a laugh! are you ok? lol It trailed off kind of scary-like. hehe

Crazy for Danes - Thanks! We all need a good laugh. It releases something...can't remember what, that makes you physically feel good.

San - I've got some good looking friends, huh? Although they're not too happy with me right now. Keep that gut intact now, so you can come back and comment again!

Thanks, everyone, for coming by!

OHmommy said...


You know, Rhea... BITCH is the new black this season. :)

Rhea said...

OhMommy - I can't believe it! I finally in fashion! That's a first. lol Thanks!

GoMommy said...

That's all I can say- over and over again!

Rhea said...

Hey, GoMommy! Thanks so much for coming by! I'm glad you enjoyed this post. hehe

Anonymous said...

Clever, clever post. Fun w/ circus animals, I love it! Thanks for the Sharpie removal research. : )

Rhea said...

Uberburber - Thanks! Every now and then something a little bit clever comes out...I haven't lost all my brain cells to motherhood, thank goodness.

Good luck with the Sharpie removal. We moms have to stick together during crises. I love sharpies, but my boys aren't allowed to use them...and so of course, I always find them using them. Figures.

Jules said...

This was a really funny post. I'm glad that you expanded on M's idea. You did a great job!

Rhea said...

Jules - Thanks! I'm glad you thought the post was funny. I really appreciate all your feedback and comments. It's nice to know there are people out there enjoying my posts (although I'm sure there are those who don't too!).

Alison B. Osborne said...


Rhea said...

Alison - Thanks! Should I have named one Ali? hehe