Your Momma's so ugly her birth certificate's an apology from the condom company.

This week, I go into work later than usual, so I'm able to take both my boys to school. The downside is I'm getting home pretty late at night.

In the car this morning, my 12 yr old, Donny, was forcing upon me sweetly sharing a new app from his iPod Touch. (For you who don't speak ilanguage, an "app" is an application for entertainment or a game or something like that.)

This app is called "Your Momma." And yes, you guessed it, it spits out tons and tons of "your momma" jokes. Sweet Jesus.

The first twenty were funny...but after a while...I might make him walk to school tomorrow. That was pure torture.

Guess what?! I've been invited to my first puppy baby shower! Unique idea, yes? Any good gift ideas?

And, nope, I haven't slept in my car this week. Things are looking up!

And, no visits from the hormone brothers, thank goodness.

Now I've just jinxed myself, haven't I?

I'm behind visiting everyone and replying to comments, but I will get to you, I promise!

No More Mr. Nice Guy

I'm feeling bitchy tonight, so I'm gonna be honest. I'm going to tell it like it is. Too often we lie because we don't want to hurt people's feelings. No, of course your new haircut looks good. No, you don't look like you've gained weight! lies, lies, lies. So, here I am, letting loose:


First, Judy, you need to see a dermatolgist. Those are NOT freckles, and they don't look good. Also, that headband is so out of fashion.

Veronica, seriously girlfriend, you need a nose job. I know this great surgeon who does amazing rhinoplasty in LA. You've got the biggest honker I've ever seen and you should NEVER have your profile photographed again.

Mabel, your butt is beyond huge. You need to run, not walk to the nearest Weight Watchers. It's saggier than a 200-year-old woman's ta-tas. Liposuction wouldn't hurt either. I'm saying this to you as your friend.

Gloria, you need a pedicure like there's no tomorrow. I'll give you the free gift certificate I got as a gift for my maid because, girlfriend, you need it way more than she does. Have you EVER used lotion? Ever? Here's a new word: Exfoliate. Look it up.

Bianca, girl, I don't even know WHAT to say to you. You need help. You might need more calcium in your diet to deal with that humpy thing...or you need to go hide in Notre Dame in Paris.

Patsy, let me give you the name of my guy. You need a new hairdo. Perms are out, bangs are out. Sleek is in.
And, finally, Trish, there's a little something all us modern women go to called a dentist. Find one. Quickly.
Well, I don't know about you, but I feel so much better. I needed to vent out my bitchiness. My friends' feelings might be hurt, but in time they'll thank me. That's what friends are for. :o)

I got the idea for this vent from VBF's blog, Motivationless and added my own little twist. :o)

Pimped Out Toilets, Butt Facials and Boeing Bidets...Oh, My!

Under "Cool Inventions" in my son's National Geographic Kids Magazine is this Souped Up John (or put plainly, a pimped out toilet). It has a TV, a TiVo, a DVD player, Xbox 360, laptop, fridge, and a toilet paper holder that is also an iPod docking station. Also, in front are some pedals for working out and a megaphone to call for anything you need. Wow. Can anyone say overkill?

Did you hear about the constipated composer?

He couldn't finish the last movement.

To continue our rear end theme, here is a new fad across the good ole US of A: Butt facials. Have you had your hiney cleansed and exfoliated recently? I think that's enough said, don't you?

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

I was trying to Google these fancy toilets in Japan that someone mentioned, but came across this instead: bidets for the new Boeings 787. Yikes. I'm not sure what I think about that. I'm all for cleanlyness but...

Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't budget.

Did you know there is a toilet newsletter out there? They advertise as "World Bathroom and Toilet News and Etiquette." While reading this (yes, I can't sleep tonight), I learned about a resturant in Taiwan that has toilet chairs, urinal sconces, and even commode shaped serving pieces. Very unusual to say the least. I also read about something called the Dunny Derby, an Australian contest where 20 teams race around a track trying to be the fastest, and also to have the best looking dunny. Apparently dunny is the term for an outdoor toilet downunder. I like that term. I may start calling my toilet the dunny...

If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

Eur-o-pean.

Ok, enough for now. I promise my next post will contain much less potty humor.