I bet they all dance naked around a bonfire...and bang drums and shake tamborines.

I don't know what I've gotten myself into.

I'm going to a secretive women's weekend this summer...where I'll be spending an intense 48 hours "examining my life" and "reclaiming parts of myself that have been lost, suppressed or misused."

I'm hoping it doesn't involve dancing naked around a bonfire.

It might be difficult.

It might be meaningful.

It might be unsettling.

I had to sign a contract in blood and tattoo the secret password on my butt...and the map to the secret location will be revealed to me in a public phone booth after I dial the encrypted number I find in a newspaper ad...oops, I've said too much.

No jewelry.

No make-up.

No alcohol or drugs.

No cell phones.

No iPods.

No contact with the outside world!

But, we are encouraged to bring drums and rattles.

I have no idea what I've gotten into...I'm scared!!!

Don't worry...I won't drink the Kool-Aid!

I have a strong desire to go build a school in Pakistan

I've had a weird Christmas holiday.

I let my boys go to Austin for two weeks, since they were out of school,

and I had to work,

and they wanted to spend time with their dad.

But, I still wanted to see them for Christmas Day.

So, the day before Christmas, I rode the Greyhound Bus down to Austin

to spend less then 48 hours with my boys, staying at my-almost-ex-inlaws' home.

It was weird.

No one was rude or inhospitable.

But things were definitely different.

No matter how uncomfortable I was, I'm glad I went to be with my children.

That was most important.

And while traveling (I have a post coming up tomorrow about my bus experience) the five hours there and six hours back, I read a book called Three Cups of Tea.

And now I want to run off to Pakistan and help build schools.

Because the chlidren there are the true casualties of all this fighting and war.

And they deserve an education.

So that there can be change.

What I've read has inspired me.

Greg Mortenson, someone with very little money, made a HUGE difference.
and continues to do so.

And to me, that is motivational.

The True Meaning of Life.

Giving what you can.



So, while I am in a difficult time in my life.
Going through a divorce,
living with my parents again,
trying to figure out how to make it on my own,
while raising two boys...
there is so much worse out there in the world.
and I need to remember that.
And be thankful for what I do have.
I need to find my path.

Figure out what I need to do to find purpose in life.


So, really, I think I spent my Christmas in Pakistan.

Soul-Drenching Sadness

Tonight I was reading a book that made me cry.

The signs of truly awesome authors are the ones who can pull you emotionally into their story and make you connect with their characters.

I connected.
and I felt bone deep, soul drenching sadness.

For one infinitesimal moment, I became aware of my soul...
and how alone I am in this world.

I know that sounds dramatic.
And heart-wrenching.

But, honestly, it's a good thing.

Because it make me FEEL.

I took the time to evaluate things tonight.
The things that make you feel beyond your norm...that tug on your awareness until you can't ignore their presence any longer...

those are the moments that define us.

I've written a personal mission statement.
I know what I want from life.

I am alone.
I've got a lot to conquer.
but, I'm ok with that.

I need the challenge.

My life is in turmoil now more than it ever has been, honestly,
but I've never felt more sure of my path and my decisions.

I know what I want.

But, I'm taking the moment to feel the grief,
to acknowledge my sadness and regret.

and use these feelings to fuel what I want to do next.


Have you felt REAL with yourself lately?

Stinky Whale Breath & Cookie-Smelling Trees

Lately I can feel that little spark coming to life again inside of me.
This summer...wait, no...these last few years...but mainly this summer, has been really tough.

And I think I've withdrawn.
And pulled away.
And lost energy for extra things...like blogging and writing and photography and friends.

But this week...I've been feeling that spark flare up just a little bit now and then.
It kind of tickles.
Makes me remember there's something inside...something that inspires me and makes me want more.
It flares a little, and I find I need to sit down and write.

So, here I am. Trying to kindle that spark, turn it into a tall flame, so that I can burn towards my full potential.

I saw the movie Julie and Julia this weekend with my mother, my grandmother, and a friend of ny mom's.
It was a great movie!

It made me want to cook, it made me want to eat, and more than anything, it made me hungry to find my place in the world.
To find that lifeline I can grab onto to pull myself out of the downing ocean.
It's a great movie.

And I listened to stories about a woman trying to catch the horned whales, the Narwhals, on National Public Radio.
And how as she struggles with the whale to put on the tracking device, she is blasted with whale breath.
And that sounds disgusting and amazing all at the same time.

I also heard a story about Ponderosa trees in Arizona that can be hit by lightening and not burn. And they smell like cookies baking.
And it reminds me how much nature amazes me.

Wikipedia says, "The bark of the Ponderosa Pine has a smell similar to vanilla.Some describe it as the smell of a "cookie".^[1] The Ponderosa Pine has a very distinct bark. Unlike most conifers, it has an orange bark, with black lining the crevasses, where the bark "splits"."

Have you heard any good stories lately
involving nature or something amazing?

Do you have a spark inside of you?

I've missed the blogging world.

A New Direction.

I've left my comfort zone.

I'm headed down a new path.

I grieve the loss, but I'm ready for the new.
This adventure is my decision.

The Up Side of Down

This weekend I was feeling down.
Down, drained, lost, depressed.

I had to work on a Saturday, which took a good chunk of my day...and time away from my kids.

And let's face it, I'm still not used to spending so little time with them.

I've been a stay-at-home mom most of their life, although I've worked from home and/or been in classes part time at the University of Texas at different times. But, I've always been available for them.

And now that's changed. The change has mostly been for the good. I'm enjoying working in the business world. The boys are gaining more independence. But, a part of me grieves. It just does.

And this summer scares me.
Last summer we went swimming almost every single day.

We went on field trips to corn fields and roller skating.
We had fun...together.

This summer I have to work.
We do have an amazing trip to Disney World planned, but other than that, I have to work.
And I Don't know what to do with them.
I guess summer camps.
And relatives.
but it makes me sad.

So, this has all hit me this weekend.
Along with feeling drained.
And down.
And lost.

And my marriage is a mess.
A big complicated, messed-up mess.

So, when I got home from work yesterday, the boys wanted to go play outside in our neighborhood park. I reluctantly agreed to go with them, grabbing a book and my camera.






And something amazing happened.

I started out feeling grouchy.
sitting in the grass, watching them play.





And then slowly, I began to appreciate the greeness around me. Texas is GORGEOUS this time of year. Everything's blooming.




And then I felt the urge to take pictures.
Of the green trees.
Of the flowers.
Of my two boys playing together.





And by the time we went inside an hour or two later...I felt re-charged.

And I remembered.
Oh, yeah.

Being in nature,
being with my children in nature,
being with my children in nature and taking pictures...

that makes me happy.