Coffee Bean Wars in the Grocery Store

Sometimes my children turn into wild heathens and go nuts in the grocery store.

I never know when it's going to happen.

We can walk into the store, and they are completely normal, well-behaving children...and then suddenly they turn into WILD THINGS!

They get coffee beans from the tray of the grinder and start having coffee bean wars!

Then I find the coffee beans in their pants when I do laundry...and on the floor...and they look like deer pellets, if you know what I mean.

Does everyone's children do this?!!

Christmas with Aliens - An Interview

It's that time again!

I interviewed my heathen aliens children on a Christmas theme.


Remy is 6.

Donny is 11.

What three things do you really want for Christmas?

Remy: a potty trained puppy, a computer and Bakugan.
Donny: an iPod Touch, a room makeover and a trained owl like Hedwig in Harry Potter. The owl is the most important. (Does Amazon deliver owls, I wonder?)






How do you think Santa does it? (delivers all those presents all over the world in one night)

Remy: He throws all the gifts from the North Pole to kids' houses everywhere. (A man of action, of course)
Donny: He hires elves to dress up as him, each with their own sleigh and reindeer, and they deliver them. (Outsourcing, I like it.)




What does Christmas mean to you?

Remy: Um, let Donny go first.
Donny: It's a time to celebrate, see family and open presents.
Remy: The same. What he said.
Donny: Remy, you can't copy me.
Me: Moving on!




What are your favorite parts of Christmas?

Remy: ummm...opening presents!
Donny: Opening presents, picking out our tree and decorating it.




What are some of your favorite gifts from the past Christmases?

Remy: Guitar Hero last Christmas!



Donny: The cool rock collection and my bike...and all the electronics we've ever received (computer, iPod, game systems, etc over the years).






What are some of your favorite holiday movies?

Remy: A Christmas Story
Donny: A Christmas Story & all the Santa Claus movies 1, 2 & 3.





What are some good names for reindeer?

Remy: Remy. Candy Cane.
Donny: Stormy, Donny, Jackie Chan.
Both boys errupt into nonstop laughter. I can tell my time is growing short for decent answers.





Would Annie be a good reindeer?

Remy: Yes, No, Yes.
Donny: No, wait, Yes..maybe







What would be a good way to make a difference in someone's life for the holidays?

Remy & Donny: build a house for someone who needs one.






Do aliens celebrate Christmas?

Remy: psychologically, they do. (what?! Where did he learn that word? He's 6!)
Donny: No, but they do celebrate their own holidays.

Those are my kids!

Intergalactic Mediation

Once upon a time, there were two adorable little angelic boys.

They could do no wrong.

They were sweet, and they knew how to be good and love their mama.


Then one day, their mama took them into a corn field

to satisfy her whimsy for corn field photos.

Little did they realize the dangers of this field trip.

Because, after this, nothing was ever the same.

The two sweet, angeltic boys turned into hellions.
They began to sass their mama and fight each other.
The bewildered mama had no idea what had happened?
Surely aliens had taken over their bodies.
These were not HER children anymore.

If only the answer was that simple.

Alas, she couldn't blame it on aliens,

her husband Texas Homeboy said, "It's just the way boys are sometimes."

He explained her new job:

The poor, confused, utterly-perfect-in-every-way mama took her new role seriously,

along with a prescription for Xanax,

but still harbored secret affirmation that these children...

had been victims of an alien experiement.

No one had warned her that she was in training for Intergalactic mediation. It's hard work keeping aliens satisfied.

No one believes her. But she knows the truth.

The truth is out there.

Somewhere.

Maybe.