Wednesday, January 7, 2009

My Life is a Bad Country Song

I will announce the giveaway winner later today.

Did you see my interview with Pioneer Woman?

In high school, I used to listen to country music every now and then.
Not any country music, but really cool, rockin' country music.
Like David Allen Coe.

Listen to the first line or two of this song.
It will set the mood for the rest of this post, I promise.
(he talks for the first minute though, ignore all that)

I love how hilarious country songs can be.

Most of them are about being faithful to their bottle or an ode to alcohol, how they can rely on their horse but not on fickle women who've done them wrong.

Well, the other morning, as I was up at 4am, I was suddenly inspired to write a country song about my night. I've never written a song before, much less a country one.

Don't laugh too hard. You can't chant it or sing it have to croon it at the top of your lungs, preferably holding an empty liquor bottle. Ok, ready?

It's dedicated the chore I had to do at 4am after my child exploded every possibly bodily fluid on the walls and floor of my bathroom.

Here we go:

Take this sh*t & Shove it

When there's diarrhea on the walls,
don't bother me no more with calls

you won't believe how many Clorox wipes it took
I've had to throw away all the bathroom books,

In the middle of the night with my breasts hangin to my lap
I can't handle NO MORE CRAP.

I'm hangin' up my mop and gloves
because cleaning don't return the love

the fumes have gone to my head
I just want to go back to bed.

How much puke can one boy spew?
if you were my enemy I wouldn't wish this on you.

The smells have singed my nostril hairs,
this kind of chore just isn't fair.

I'm in bed holding on tight
to my pillow tonight
praying the sick will pass on by
or I just might have to give in and cry.

Yep, it's official.
I've lost my mind.


Unknown said...

OMG...sounds like my New Years! You need to get this recorded!

lynette355 said...


first off I am sorry he is ill.

second----oh my we need this song.
You agree! Why is it when one is ill that MOM has to stay awake and clean it all up. Then be ready for the day a couple of hours later. I hate that part of it all.

Don't you wish it was a service station bathroom---one you can hose down andit goes to the drain in the middle?

Britt said...

Aw poor guy .. poor you .. but you had me rolling right about here
--> In the middle of the night with my breasts hangin to my lap

Because now I know I'm not alone! LOL

If I had a bottle, I'd raise it to you right now .. and slur a toast about how amazing you are. Cause Lord knows I would have shut the bathroom door, posted a sign saying, "Take it outside, Boys." and dragged my butt to bed.

Hope you get a nap today!

Justine said...

Oh yes, you've lost your mind, AND written the most disgusting country song ever! LOL

Justine :o )

Inspiration CAN be found EVERYWHERE said...

I love it. Been there, done that and yes they do seem to survive and so will you, but while you in the middle of it - well it just doesn't seem possible. I am sorry that the little guy is sick.

Hope all the sick get well soon and that the caregiver (mom) 1) doesn't get it next and 2) has the strength to carry on. You can do it.

Anonymous said...

While I'm sorry the kiddo is sick, I feel SO much sorrier for you...been there, done that....times 3! At least you got it all cleaned up now, cuz it's not fun when you think you have it all cleaned up off the bedroom walls and around the top bunk bed, only to find out about a year later when you're moving them from one room to another and you have to take apart the bunk bed that maybe you DIDN'T get it all cleaned up....and the odor is still as fragrant a year later. This is not from personal experience......

Kori said...

Oh poor fella. Poor momma.

Keys to the Magic Travel said...

Oh no. Oh yuck. Just thinking about that smell makes me throw up a little in my mouth...

Jen said...

That has got to be the best country song ever!!! You should really think about a career as a song writer. ;)

Mama Dawg said...

I smell a (s)hit!

Anonymous said...

OMG, I am forever grateful for my Mama because I know she would have totally rocked out to your song if it had been made 15 years ago when we were sick children!

Aubrey said...

Record that sucker! I smell hit single!

Anonymous said...

OMG--that was so funny! But seriously, you poor, poor woman! I can clean up poop, but puke gets me every time! Thankfully, it's not necessary to deal with that on a regular basis!

Valarie Lea said...

Hahahahahaha! I think I need to give this to a girl at work, whos family seems to be continually passing that virus on to each other.

Unknown said...

I'm so sorry. Hope he gets better soon and that it doesn't progress through the rest of the family.

Having said that, I am sooooo glad that those years of kids pukin' and diarrhea'n everywhere, are over. Well, there are the grandkids, but I can alwways hand them back. :-)

Your song rocks :-)

As to that Coe fella, I suddenly realised is beard was braided and beaded...fascinating..:-)

Amy said...

Send it to Reba...she could make it gold (and you would rake in all the dough)

The Stiletto Mom said...

ROFLMAO!!! I've always loved country music but your song really speaks to me...which is sad. :)

Mariah said...

I need to have you record this for me...

Jenny and the Princess Peonies said...

Oh man! Is he feeling better? I feel so bad for you...and him of course.

Cassie said...

Oh Geesh! I'm sorry your little guy is sick. Your song is hysterical!!!!

I hope he is better soon!

Linda said...

Too funny ... That's good stuff ... you've got talent! Hope the Clorox wiped out all the sick germs and everyone stays well.

Indy said...

Sounds like a hit to me. Here's hoping you all feel better soon.

San said...

That's a tearjerker, babe. You should be able to take this one to the bank.

It does dredge up a putrid memory of my own. When I was pregnant with my second child, I was changing the diaper of the first. I had morning sickness. She had diarrhea. I began gagging. She began giggling. She thought I was making hilarious sounds for her entertainment.

the mama bird diaries said...

Girl, you are a country star at heart. Hilarious.

Swirl Girl said...

You have more talent in your pink hat than most 'stars' have in their big blonde wig hair!

If you've lost your mind, I am following you to wherever the last place you left it was!

Shannon said...

You are a nut!

Sorry the boy was sick... is he better now?

Mrs Anne said...

Your skills amaze me.

My Dad has the knack for writing little ditties/songs and they always crack me the heck up!

Yours is mighty fine my friend!

nice work!

Anonymous said...

These are The Best lyrics I've ever read to a country song. Hands down.

'In the middle of the night with my breasts hangin to my lap
I can't handle NO MORE CRAP.'

Pure poetic genius.

Btw, hope the little feller is feeling better. You can use that line for your next song :D .

Sprite's Keeper said...

You know what they say about country songs, you need some pain to get that gold. Love the song!

Marrdy said...

Oh my gosh. You totally have a top ten hit. Just give Vince Gill a call, this is the perfect song for him. Sorry about the boy being sick...that is no fun!

Rudee said...

You poor baby. I hope all is well and it isn't infectious. I can personally attest to how bad Norwalk Virus is. It's bad enough to clean up after yourself but when it's someone else, even your own kid, ugh.

BTW, my favorite David Allen Coe song is You Never Even Call Me by My Name. A family favorite.

Misty DawnS said...

Yup, I'm thinking we'll be seeing ya standing in your glorious evening gown being interviewed on the red carpet before going in to accept your awards for this song... you've got a top ten there... yuppers, you shore do!

Anonymous said...

I'm kind of hungry now...

EWWWWW! Did I just say that?!

WheresMyAngels said...

TattooedMinivanmom is such a freak, that probably did turn her on! ha

Love your song, glad I have no reason to be wanting to sing it.

Putting the FUN in DysFUNctional said...

I love country music! But Coe's best song is "You Never Even Call Me by my Name", no doubt.
LOVE your song!

Mrs. Flinger said...

We've been going through the same thing here, exactly. Winter. Oy.

And HI! I'm new. Also, a native texan (south Houston) but now living in Seattle. Long story. I'm trying to talk my husband in to moving to Austin since it's as close to Seattle as you can get in Texas. LOL.

Hope to stop in again soon! Love your blog. :-)