Friday, September 7, 2012

My Husband Has A Girlfriend

My Husband has a Girlfriend

It was only a matter of time really.
We've been separated for 3 years.
We're still technically married, but we have no plans to get back together.
However, this is the first either one of us has started seeing someone else.
(and since we've been together since we were 13 years old, that's really saying something.)

I'm happy for him,
But, I'm definitely a mix of emotions about it all with large streamers of feelings swirling and twirling into a frenzied knot inside my head:

Part of me is happy. This is good for him, emotionally healthy. I want him to be happy.
Part of me is jealous. He's replacing me. He's dating someone else before I am.
Part of me is angry. The kids need to come first. They are now going to have to compete for his time.
Part of me is sad. Our relationship didn't make it. I wish things had been different.

Only time will tell how serious he is about this one.
Or if she will be the first in a series.

I'm happy for him, really.
I just need time to adjust to this new step and all its implications. and I'm a little vulnerable from my village being destroyed.

Lots of people have to deal with dating after divorce.
I'm not the first, I know.
I remember my parents dating after their divorce, and I didn't like it.
I felt like it took away from my relationship with them.
I don't want that for my children.
But, then again, I didn't want my children to have divorced parents either, but that's the path we've taken.

Since he lives in a different town than the kids and I do, we haven't had to deal with any real changes.
But more changes are coming, I know that.

What are your thoughts on dating after divorce?
Wait, maybe we should go ahead and get that divorce first! 


Anonymous said...

Put your children first. They are going thru a rough time with the family not being together. You'll have plenty of time in the future for meeting someone. They will have a much harder time if both parents bring someone else into the picture.

Angela said...

I'm my husband's second wife.

I hate saying that. I hate admitting that. I hate knowing that he promised to love somebody else for his whole life before he married me. I hate knowing that he desperately wanted that marriage to work, but it didn't. We've been married 5 years, and I still get upset about it.

Emotions run high all the way around, I think. The girlfriend probably has mixed feelings about dating a separated man.

The kids will probably be angry and confused, even if they say they're fine (which is how I felt when my dad started dating after my parents' divorce).

But, then, you know.. you've only got this one life and you should be happy in it. So, none of that should matter. People come and go, they change (or sometimes they don't change), relationships are tested.. it's why, I think, 7 billion or so of us are here together. There's more than one fish in the sea for you, I'm convinced of it.

It's like that line from the Sex & the City movie... something like, some relationships are epic novels, and some are short stories, but it doesn't make them any less filled with love.

So I say, get to loving!

Unknown said...

Eden's father started dating and got engaged to his current wife when I was in my third trimester. He wanted to make is as CLEAR as possible, that we were not getting back together.

My dad started dating immediately after my folks got divorced...or should i say before... He also notified me via text message 3 weekends ago that he got married in Las Vegas.

People don't seem to care much for other people's feelings anymore.

I know you are supposed to always put your kids first, but we do that automatically. (good parents do, at least). You have to put yourself first also, to become a better parent. Here I am with a 4.5 year old and I have not gone on one date yet. Her dad is married with another daughter and planning to expand again soon. Of course I am happy, but I also don't want to wake up one day and realize that I have been hiding from my own life.

It is definitely our time!

Sicilian said...

Been there done that. I expected the fairytale life. College, husband, kids, then kids college and then time to enjoy each other.

When happily ever after doesn't happen after 21 years of marriage, I found the kids adjusted much better than I did.

They were 18 and 14. They watched both parents date. They watched me remarry, and they have both been kind and loving to my husband.

Get the divorce done. Move forward. Try not to beat yourself up about it. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it sure does take the ouch out of the pain.


Amy said...

I've been divorced 6 years and it never really gets easier, but it does get better. My children's father has dated several women since then and the only bad thing is they get attached to her and her children and then feel a great sense of loss when it ends. He has always included them with his time with whoever he's dating at the time. It is a very touchy situation so good luck with all of that. My best advice is take it one day at a time.

Unknown said...

I agree about getting the divorce done. You aren't going to get back together, and this really isn't fair to anyone. You, him, or your kids. Separation is such a gray area, and yes, it could be said to your kids that their dad is dating someone while still married to you. Just give them the benefit of that clean break.

Now... DATING. I don't think you are taking ANYTHING away from your kids. Were you taking away from them when you and your husband went out together when you were married? No! Kids need to realize they AREN'T the center of the world, and this is such a great opportunity for you to show to them the kinds of standards and such you want THEM to use when they start dating. NOW, having said that... don't bring anyone around to meet them kids until you're pretty sure the relationship has a future of some sort. I'm not saying only if you plan to marry the person... just don't bring every Tom, Dick or Harry by to meet the kids on the first date.

I, too, am a second wife, and he's a second husband. And my ex is a decent person, but I'm So glad our kids are growing up seeing what a MATURE, HEALTHY marriage looks like.

SharleneT said...

I think you have to know what's right for you. That being said, I think it's very important to make a clean break, not only for your children's sake but for you, as well. You will feel different about yourself and whomever you choose to date. I also agree with the lady who suggests you do not bring everyone you date home to meet your children, until you're sure of the relationship. The most important thing is to make sure you give yourself time to meet a variety of men. Try not to be like some women simply won't let go and make everyone's life miserable while they nurture anger and hate. This is a chance for a new beginning for you, too. Hugs.