My Not-So-Midlife Crisis

I just discovered Gene Simmon's Family Jewels, 

which is a great reality show following the Kiss rock star and his family.

I admire his business acumen 

(did I use that word correctly? It just came out! so I'm going to leave it there).

Ironically, it inspires me to follow my dreams.

I'm not satisfied with the career path I've found myself blundering along. 

I need to be writing. 

I spend more time thinking about writing than actually writing.

And I want a small farm. 

Or just a little house with a little bit of land to have chickens, a dairy cow and some donkeys. 

A garden to grow vegetables.

an apple tree?

Maybe I've been playing too much We Farm on my iPhone?

I have a strong need to live more "country" and write about it.

Have I lost my mind?!

Learning never exhausts the mind. - Leonardo da Vinci

Every clock I own tells a different time. 

On purpose.

The alarm clock beside my bed is 3 minutes fast.

The clock in my car is 8 minutes fast.

My watch is 5 minutes fast.

My iPhone is right on time.

It keeps my math skills sharpened. 

"Time is not a measure the length of a day or month or year but more a measure of what you have accomplished." - Byron Pulsifer

Mozart's body is missing & Polar Bears are Left-handed.

They aren't sure where Mozart's body is buried.

Polar Bears are left-handed.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cows have four stomachs.

Horses cannot vomit.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

Most people cannot lick their elbow.

Which of those statements astonishes you the most?

The Y2K Bug attacked the frigerator & either it or the dog gave my son strep throat.

I stayed up New Year's Eve playing Monopoly with my boys.

And then the refrigerator stopped working.

It started with the ice...and then the water...and then the cooling...

I thought I broke it, but it turns out it had something to do with the motherboard.

It seems like an off coincidence that it broke right at the new year.

So, I think the Y2K bug of 2010 got it.

It couldn't handle 2010.

And the first day of the new year, my older son came down with strep throat.

Only we just thought it was a sinus infection.

Boy were we wrong.

We had a doctor tell us once that dogs can give you strep throat.

That they are carriers.

So I GOOGLED it ( I google everything!)

and found out that's quite a controversial topic in the medical community.

Maybe the refrigerator gave it's Y2K 2010 bug to my son.

and now it's stalking me...

How did YOUR New Year begin?!

P.S. OMG, do NOT Google Images "Strep Throat."  It's disgusting.

and apparently some people can get it on their feet?!!

There's a Skull Growing in the Kitchen.

You thought I was kidding?

It starts out a few inches tall...and you throw it in water...and watch it GROW!
It's a novelty toy from Toy Joy, the best toy store ever, in Austin, Texas.
I lived in Austin for 18 years!
Before that I lived on a ranch.

Now I'm getting off track...

A gigantic growing skull is a little creepy, but we can consider it science, right?

Oh, speaking of science!

My 12 yr old's science experiment is currently being stored in the kitchen as well.





Wanna guess what he's doing?

Proof Aliens Exist

That blue looking fruit is a peeled version of the one on it's left.

What is it?
Alien fruit?
monster eyeball?

I'm baffled.

Weird scratches

In the last week, I've woken up several times with strange scratches on my chest.

I have no idea how they got there.

I figure it would be any of these things:

1. I'm having bad dreams and scratching myself.

2. The child or dog in my bed could have done it while sleeping.

3. I'm changing into a werewolf at night and unaware of it.

4. A confused vampire keeps trying to bite me.

5. I have an alien inside of me trying to break out.

I've finally one-upped Mary Poppins

The origins of this post started two nights ago, when I woke in the middle of the night with an intense leg cramp.

It HURT.

I hadn't had one in years!!

I find when I'm good about taking vitamins and getting plenty of potassium and fruits, that I don't have leg cramps at all.

Then I remembered my grandmother a sweet lady who-shall-not-be-named, mentioned that older folks suffer leg cramps. And she discovered, through the elderly grape vine, that if you put a bar of soap under your sheets, that they go away. She tried it, and it worked. Now she sleeps with soap in her sheets.

huh.

Then, on the NPR the other day, I heard them talking about leg cramps.
And how a teaspoon of mustard every day keep the leg cramps away.

huh.

A lady called into the show and said it worked for her. She had taken to eating everything in mustard lately. Lots and lots of mustard.

Then I thought...well, shoot, maybe I should try these two things.
But, then, I don't get the leg cramps enough to really tell if it was working or not...

Who knows what else mustard could do if we added it to our diets regularly?
Maybe it could increase night vision in our troops.
I'm sending a few hundred jars to experiment.
I'm sure they won't mind.





Then I found on Wiki that mustard plasters are used in Russia where they think it stimulates the immune system and relieves pain.

Maybe mustard in my hair every night would make it silky smooth with no tangles?
I might try it.

Maybe mustard applied in our nether regions could help people who have trouble getting pregnant, conceive! Think of the thousands they could save in fertility testings and treatment if only they had a jar of mustard?!

Who knows what I could discover!!

But maybe A teaspoon of mustard would help the medicine go down?
In the most delightful way.





What do you think?
How can mustard help you?
Any fun home remedies to share?




***I am not a doctor and should not give out medical advice. Please do not try any of these ideas at home. Ignore me completely, I am a cracked lunatic with no medical training whatsoever.

How is a uterus hazardous to small children?

Cajun Mama had a tweet over the weekend that mentioned a uterus recall.

I was baffled.
I was intrigued.

I followed her link and found this:

I'm now in love with this company called I Heart Guts.



It's brilliant!
It's hilarious!




Where else can you find t-shirts that say this?

or t-shirts that say this?

That says, "Black Lung" in case you can't read it well.




And then they have plushies.




I've got beat...


heart beat, that is.

And a timeless classic: A heart of gold.

Way too cool.
I wish they'd send me some of their products, you know, so I could review them.

I'm in love.

What organ would you like to see made into a t-shirt or plush?

Wait, maybe you shouldn't answer that...

Dog-Earred Capitalism

I'm in love with Annie's ears.
Annie, my Labrador Retriever.

If I'm feeling stressed.
I pet her.
especially her ears.

They're so soft.
Unbelievably soft.
and silky.

I want to make a blanket out of them.
But that might send PETA after me.

And I'd hate to leave a bunch of ear-less dogs running around.
They'd look like alien dogs.

I thought about clipping Annie's ears off, maybe they'll regrow like a lizard's tail...
I need to carry her ears around in my pocket, like a lucky rabbit's foot.

I mean, where did the rabbit foot tradition start?

I might as well start a new one with dog ears...
But, Annie's particular about her looks, so I don't want to take her ears.

But, I promise, they are the softest thing ever.

If anyone's interested in starting a new avaunt guard business with me...just let me know.

Dogs have the softest ears.

Clearly this kitten agrees with me.

Ghost Mermaids want to Possess Your Soul

I'd planned to write a post full of deep meaningful thoughts on the significance of birthdays and how people react different ways to theirs.
Some people soak up extra attention, others don't want to celebrate at all.
It's interesting.

But then I decided that was too heavy,
and I thought I'd share a dream I had the other night instead.

I have wild dreams.

I dreamt I was with one of my sisters,
and we were interviewing for jobs at a camp in the country for children with special needs.
And while there, I found out Misty Dawn was the head director of the camp.
(I've never met her in real life, but she's the blogger who started Camera Critters, the only regular meme I participate in.)

And on the grounds of this camp was a huge swimming pool.
Where I was warned a ghost mermaid lived.
And if you were swimming in the shade,
the mermaid would try to suck your soul and take over your body.

For reals.

And I was slightly scared, but mainly fascinated by this.
And the woman who warned me about it, decided to demonstrate.
So, she swam into the shaded part of the pool,
and I saw the shape of a mermaid swim up.
The mermaid came up behind her, slithering really,
and put her hands over the woman's ears
and kind of slurped into her body.

It was weird.

And the woman looked like she was in a trance.
But then I moved her into the sunny part of the pool and she was ok.

Really weird, I know.

So, then I decided to Google "mermaid ghosts" last night while writing this post...
and I found this horrifying photo.

I'm sure it's fake.
But it freaked me out.

And that's when I decided to call it quits on this post and go to bed.

I'll leave you with this photo instead.



I took this photo at our local trade days.

I love the cool stuff they sell at these open-air markets.

Anna the Mannequin goes on a Quest

So, this story began with yesterday's post,
where we met Anna & saw her fall in love with Prince Sergei.

But, alas, their love did not seem meant to be,
because Sergei was only allowed out during the Christmas season.

Anna was determined to wait for him,
because he was her first love,
and he loved her for who she was.

But as she contemplated facing the entire year without him,
she realized it was too much.
She couldn't wait that long to be with Sergei.

So she sought out the circle of wise women to help her.

Anna wanted to turn into a nutcracker princess, so she could remain with her prince.

The wise women conferred around their fire and came to a conclusion.

Anna needed to seek out the Supreme Rojo.
But, first, she had to deliver an Orb of Truth to the Icicle Pond of Clarity

And poof, a golden orb appeared in their fire.

The wise women also told Anna that she would have a Happiness Companion to guide her way.

She tucked the orb into her pocket and set off, following a map,
and soon met her Happiness guide,
a yellow lab named Bliss.

Bliss and Anna continued on their way until they ran into the Talkative Tortoise.
He wanted their golden Truth Orb, so he tried to talk them out of it.

He said, "In order to pass by me, you must answer this:

I was once a mannequin like you, but I fell in love with a tortoise, so I petitioned the Supreme Rojo to change my shape. He did, but soon after my love left me & know I'm stuck in this form.
Should I petition to be changed back?
Or should I remain the way I am?"

Anna thought about this for a while, then said, "You know what, Mr. Tortoise, it doesn't matter what form you have, its what inside that matters most. When you find someone who loves you no matter what, then that's what is most important, just like my Sergei."

The tortoise started crying and said, "I hope I find someone like your Sergei. Good luck, Anna, on your quest."

Not long after this, Anna started to hear beautiful music coming from the path ahead.

The music of angels. She couldn't help it. She had to dance. She was filled with joy and happiness.

The angels asked her to stay with them, to become one of them. To dance and make music forever.

Anna almost said yes, but she saw Bliss, her guide dog waiting paitently for her, and she remembered why she was on this quest.

"Thank you, beautiful angels, but I must decline. I'm off to find out how to stay with my Sergei forever."

The angels disappeared in a cloud of sparkles.

And in their spot was the Icicle Pond of Clarity.

She delicately placed her Golden Orb of Truth into the pond.

And wondered why she had to deliver the orb in the first place and what was the point of all of this?

And then she heard a mighty roar, and a huge dragon appeared.

Anna screamed and started to run away, but she saw Bliss wasn't moving, so she stopped.

The dragon said, "Who are you and what do you want?"

Anna replied, "I'm Anna Mannequin, and I'm searching for the Supreme Rojo so I can ask him to turn me in to a nutcracker princess so I can remain with my one true love Sergei forever."

The dragon snorted.

and turned into...

The Surpreme Rojo.

He smiled at Anna and thanked her for returning the golden orb to the Icicle Pond.

And she in turn implored him to change her into a nutcracker princess.

And his reply was...to be continued tomorrow.

Should he turn her into a Nutcracker Princess so she can remain with Prince Sergei forever?

Or should he deny her this chance at true love?

Or should he send her on a further quest to test her and make sure this is what she really wants?

A Tale of Star-Crossed Love; An exercise in creativity produced from boredom

There once was a young mannequin named Anna who was happy and content with her life.

She loved to stretch and dance.
And dance and stretch.

She never worried about her hair or clothes,
or even a face for that matter.

Anna lived in the moment.
She was one with herself.

She was happy and content with her life.

Until she caught a glimpse of Holiday Barbie 2008.
and realized what she was missing.

After that Anna couldn't bear to be seen, so she put a mask on her head.
But it didn't hide her pain.

She thought she'd never be happy again.

Until she met Sergei, a Russian Nutcracker Prince.
They fell in love.

Sergei loved Anna just the way she was.

But he had to tell her that he was only going to be around for a few weeks.
And she was devastated.

These star-crossed lovers are enjoying their time together while they can.

And Anna is patient.

She can wait til next year when Sergei comes around again.